Over the past decade, I have shamed myself for scolding and snapping at people now and then. I have ruminated as to why I do it, and frankly, I don't have an answer. I have regretted it each time I have done it; in fact, I have hated myself. Why do I do it? The only answer that I have is that I do it when others' behaviour doesn't match my expectations, or I have been overly fed with fire about them from people close to me?
As human beings, we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes our relationships up the most. We all get frustrated when things don't play out the way we expect them to, and people don't behave like they're "supposed" to. We expect our spouses and children to act a certain way, our friends to be kind and agreeable, neighbours to be less difficult, and so on.
And when reality hits us, and these people actions seem to be doing the opposite of what we want them to do, we respond with anger, frustration, stress, arguments, tears, etc. I have, over the years, tried again and again to control but failed miserably. Little or no help came from extensive research on finding why others behave the way they do. Until I read a book called "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, an internationally known psychologist. I gathered from this book that the problem is with my brain called the "Amygdala". When the amygdala is running the show, you're not yourself.
The amygdala is responsible for the physiological changes associated with the "flight-or-fight" response, which mobilizes the body to respond to perceived threats, real or imagined. The fight-or-flight response was appropriate for early humans because of threats of physical harm. Today, there are far fewer physical threats, but many psychological threats are caused by the pressures and stresses of modern life.
Understand you can't control how other people behave. You can't control everything that happens to you. What you can control is how you respond to such situations. Controlling your response mechanism can help. The goal is to avoid any unwarranted reaction.
So, the first step is to acknowledge that your anger gets the better of you. Become aware of how your emotions and body react to significant stress. Give yourself some me time and think of all your responses that you regret to date. Reviewing episodes after they are over will help immensely. Once you have sufficiently ruminated on your past episodes, don't get into a spiral of ramose, but do a rewind and replay these episodes in your mind, again and again, this will continuously keep you aware of the harm you can inflict on others and yourself. This self-awareness will help you control your response mechanism. So that in the future, when a situation makes you feel strong anger, aggression, and you are about to respond or blow the lid in an illogical and irrational way that you may regret later, you can calm down and take control. Remind yourself that what you're feeling is not necessarily the best or most logical one. Become aware of your triggers and warning signs, and notice when they're present. Always check the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, your breathing, and mindfully check if you are getting into an undesirable state.
Furthermore, ask yourself, "is it important for me to respond," before responding. Try not to react to a situation immediately. Make it a habit to ask questions like why, how, who, when and what before responding to any situation.
When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a moment and think, recall your past and pause, ask for clarifications, and analyze the situation. Be mindful of the fact "I don't have to respond now, this will help you break the tension within you, calms down your fight or flight reactions, and allows your anxious nerves to relax, to choose more considerate and constructive responses, no matter what the situation.
There's no doubt that it can drive us nuts when we don't get what we expect from people we care about, especially when they are rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable, wanting these people to be exactly the way we want them to be, doesn't work. The alternative, though, is unthinkable to most of us: so, pause, do not respond immediately, let it go, and to accept them even when they irritate you.
Here's the way of delaying response that I've been cultivating and advocating:
- Rewind and Play previous episodes often that you regretted.
- At all cost, avoid spontaneous response.
- Ask a few clarifications to calm your nerves.
- Realize that you can't control other people.
- Do not take other behaviour too personally.
- Ask a question to yourself, do I need to respond when they frustrate me.
- Let go of the ideals and expectations.
To think and practising this way takes "courage", but it's worth it. It makes us less frustrated, it helps us be more mindful, it lowers stress, and it allows us to make the world a more peaceful and productive place for us. Writing this article has been a learning experience for me, and I hope you to benefit from it.
